Category: the Rant Board
Emotionally, this is going to be difficult to post, but what the hehll, I'm doing it anyway.
People who believe in spanking their kids don't realize the damage that does to the child's psyche. My mom is one of those people. She used that as a form of punishment on me as a child, and rather than teaching me to respect her, it's turned me in to ... *crying* ... a resentful daughter who can't stop herself from snapping at her mom.
Mom came in a while ago and told me she was stressed out at work because her coworkers speak about her behind her back. She's really the only person to whom I speak in that tone of voice. I guess I'm feeling guilty for the way I speak to her, but I'm not sure how to contain my irritation with her for punishments I'll never forget, unless she makes the connection between what happened all those years ago, and my attitude toward her now.
Now, it's time for the rant. what the hell do I have to do to make her listen and try to fit the pieces of the puzzle herself? Good Christ! I don't want to go and get a damn video camera. Shit, I wouldn't be able to use it anyway. God, I don't know how I'm going to make it through one more argument without being sent to the loony bin. I'm shocked I'm still sane after all these years.
To amend the last post, I know I can't change what happened, but I'd at least like her to make the connection, and feel some sort of sympathy for the mental anguish she has made me and my brother endure for so long. I'll be happy when that day comes.
joanne, first i don't necessarily agree with you that children shouldn't be spanked. but there is a time and place for it and there is a difference between abuse and spanking. there are also other means of discipline to be used other than spanking. but yeah totally different topic there.
my suggestion is to write your mom a letter telling her exactly how you feel, how you felt when you were younger getting spanked, and how it is still affecting you now. tell her exactly what you are wanting her to know everytime you snap at her. i could be wrong, but when you snap at her, you really want to scream out so much that you are holding inside. so let it out on paper. this is the only way i can think of that will help open up adult comminucations between the two of you so that you can work your problems out. and it is more effective than snapping at her. hope this helps.
Okay, here I go:
*takes deep breath*
All forms of punishments may have side-effects. That's just the way it is.
Personally, I am dead-set against it because of how I reacted to it. My philosophy is keep an open mind and use what ever works.
First off I totally agree with Pipi. Speaks a lot of sense that girl. Secondly, another aid to communication *could be* counselling. You know, a mediator between you and your mother. You who wants to scream shout and swear every time your mother behaves the way she does, and your mother who, in my llimited experience, (I.E what you've told me), is somewhat single minded in her approach to others' views and feelings. So yes, a letter, or perhaps a counsellor, who can ... correct? any misunderstandings.
hth, and good luck
Simon
I suggested a family therapist for all of us. It's not just me that needs help. I think we as a family should seek counsiling. The letter just seems so difficult. Mom's English is okay, but it's not easy for her to understand written communication sometimes.
Hmmm! I just got over mum smacking me by walloping her back when I was bigger and stronger than her, lol. That's how I deal with her now so she gives me a very wide berth indeed when I'm mad at her.
Jen.
I don't like violence.
Joanne, first let me say how sorry I am for the effect this has had on you. I agree with Pippy and Simon's approaches. You might write a draft of the letter for yourself just to vent, and then throw the letter away. Then try writing a less emotionally-charged letter that you can use to really help you focus on, and identify the issues involved. You might try locating a therapist that speaks your mother's native language. It sounds like english is her second language. You are correrect in that family therapy would be a good solution, but you might consider counseling for yourself. It might help you deal with the residual effects on you a little better and make your own relationship with your mother more civil. Good luck, and if you want an open ear and a closed mouth, just send me a note.
Lou
Awww Joane, I apologize, if I made you think it was all your doing or all your fault. I didnt' mean that, and certainly dont' think that at all. imho, there's a communications breakdown here which can most certainly be resolved. Noone's fault, it's just one of those things that happens, and can be fixed, or at least lessened with the appropriate actions and help.
Lou's right too, finding someone who speaks Korean will be half the battle. Even if it's just for the letter. Write the letter in English, then get someone to translate it? Someone you trust. Also, writing it, then drafting one which is less frought with emotion can be a good thing too.
Also I have some information for you, which I can either post here, or give you privately, whichever you'd prefer. So hit me up and I'll act accordingly.
hth, and hugs
Simon
Most of mom's friends know me, and they'd most likely blab to her about what i'm doing when it comes to writing her a letter. too risky, but thanks for the suggestion.
OK. so what we need, is a service, cheap, preferably free. that will translate a letter, confidentially, from english, into korean. hmm. interesting challenge. ok, let's see what we can find out...
i don't know if these sites will be helpful. i didn't look into them much but they offer free english to korean translation.
http://www.appliedlanguage.com/free_translation.shtml
www.word2word.com/freead.html
www.worldlingo.com/products_services/worldlingo_translator.html
joanne if you need anything, feel free to get ahold of me.
Joann, I have found myself in the same boat but I think as I got older I learned that it's not my problem but hers.
Also, if you need to talk I'll listen.
Yuck...that sounded wierd but you get the picture.
I understand. I know it's her problem. she's just not willing to admit it.
Wouldn't it be better to try and find solutions, rather than blaming? Just an idea on how to move forward...
while it might be your mother's problem Joanne, think it is your reaction to her behavior that is troubling you so much. By that I mean her behavior has caused you pain, and the real question is how best to deal with it. That was somewhat directed toward you and the last post. The reason I suggested writing the first letter is that sometimes just releasing everything in that way with no hold barred is almost a cathartic experience. Remember, this is the one you'll throw away. Good luck.
Lou
Joanne, I was told to go to anger management a couple of times or councelling or whatever it was, but I didn't think it helped. The last time I went, they asked me why I had gone and I said it was because I was told to and they said there was no point in me going if it wasn't me who chose to go in the first place.
I don't know how much this will help, but here it goes anyways. First of all I agree with those who say the parent has to go with what works and helps for disaplin...However, again, there is a fine line between a disaplinning spanking and out right abuse. But, that aside as that isn't really the issue; I'm going to attempt to explain what I did when faced with a simular, but not exact, situation. First, my Dad is an active alcoholic. He drinks from the time he gets up until he passes out, and then he gets up and starts all over again. Do to the alcohol; in my opinion, he was a very abusive dad. I don't mean simple smacks across the rump when needed, but instead I mean, fly swotters, belts, etc...He also was emotionally and psychologically abusive. Two examples of what I mean are...When I was 3 he told me, "If you weren't blind I wouldn't have to drink...". And another example is when I was with my Mom during the year and he would call in the middle of the night and tell me that someone had threatened to burn down the trailor with my little siblings inside...To say the least I had quite a lot of bitterness and anger. I was getting to the point where the bitterness, anger, and yes, hatred were eating me alive. So, I had to learn to let go. To accept that he was the way he was, and there is nothing in this world I can do to change him or make him see how much he hurt me. He can only change or see the truth of his parenting skills; (or lack there of), if he wants too, and as he doesn't; there we are. As a child of an abusive parent I think the most useful thing we can learn is to simply let go. Accept and love them; (if you can), for who they are, and realize that that may have been the best they could have done for you. I personally do not love my Dad. I have very little to do with him, and if he calls I talk to him politely, I am civil, I say "I love you", but the words are empty politeness. This was the only way I found to live without being eaten alive. I hope this makes since, and maybe, just maybe, this will even help you.
this is in response to post 19. i was in your same situation as a child, except it was my mother who was the alcoholic instead of my father. she did more than spanking with belts and such. there were times that i just wanted to run away to get away from it all. but now after all these years, my mother has come to terms with what she did to me when i was younger. she told me that she does not remember most of what i have told her. even though her actions did not stand out in her mind, they sure stood out in mine. in fact, they still haunt me until this day. she has written me a heartfelt apology letter because she finally realizes that what she did to me as a child has left me emotionally scarred for the rest of my life. i have learned to move passed it though. my mother and i have gotten along ever since i have learned to stand up for myself when she would call me rotton things over the phone meant to emotionally hurt. so the abuse is finally finished and my mother and i get along fine. i even have a drink with her when i go over to her house.
Hi JoAnne, Well, as a child, I was spanked but only ocasionally. Next, the next time you feel like you're gonna blow up at your mom, just tell how you feel. I know it sounds easier than it is, but somehow or another the anger and bitterness you're experiencing needs to be expressed. If your mom's friends go blabbing to your mom so what! You have nothing to hide. You're an adult, and so your relationship is between you and your mom not anyone else. Next, I know sometimes it's hard, but maybe you should find a way to forgive your mom. Of course, this should come after you've told her how you feel. You may want to ask yourself just why you're holding onto all this negative emotion. Believe me, resentment and anger are horrible emotions to deal with. If not propperly dealt with, they can literally be toxic. Case in point: I had a friend who was a very bad alcoholic. Why? Because she was angry with her father for not allowing her to grieve propperly after she'd lost her mother. I know the situations are different, but all her anger I believe led her to become an alcoholic. I'm not saying you're gonna be an alcoholic, but she didn't know how to deal with negative emotion. Speaking from experience, my relationship with my mom changed a lot after I turned 18. If you tell your mom how you feel in a constructive way, you and she will probably feel a lot better. My dad was really into drugs for about 15 years. Believe me, he did some really crappy things to my mom and I. I eventually decided to forgive him. This doesn't mean that what he did didn't affect me, or that he didn't make mistakes. What it does mean is that I made a conscious choice to not let what he'd done have a negative effect on my life. Not having to have all that resentment has I believe, made me a much happier healthier person. Write back if you'd like any more advice. I too am a good listener and would be happy to discuss anything. Wow! That really does sound dumb! Well you get my point.
If I thought he was willing (or could be willing in the future) I might hold out some hope. However, I'll add, my Dad quit drinking for almost a year when I was a very young child. To my Mom and I that was the best year of their marriage. To him it was the worst. He admits he is an alcoholic, and always adds that he isn't quitting for any reason. So, for me indifference is the only way. I haven't forgiven him, I haven't forgotten, I simply refuse to let his problems win over my life. Also, if anyone needs to talk, I'm not on here much, but I do listen fairly well, and only advise when asked. *smile* Not always the best advice maybe, but the best I have, and often it comes from whatever simular experiences I personally have had.
I don't think any time pf physical punishment is te answer but that's my opinion.
I agree that if you have a problem with a person you must confront said person. It won't always get them to budge on the issue but you'll feel better.